About You Now
by TotallyTiva
Summary: Tony realizes something, but too late. So when he has the chance what does he tell her? Tony's thoughts. TotallyTiva, no really. TOTAL TIVA


**It was so easy that night  
>Should have been strong, yeah, I lied<br>Nobody gets me like you**

That one night before she left and before I left for the sea I went to her house. I would miss her too much, she was basically everything to me. I didn't think I could handle anything that happened this year without her by my side, right there. Now she was gone and I don't know what I'll do. Unlike me though she had no idea why I needed her so much. Because she's my life support, the reason that I go to work every day. Only to make sure that she's safe and to protect her. When I should have really been strong, and never shown weakness, and instead reassured her that everything would be alright I wasn't. I lied to her though I couldn't show her how much she really means to me right before she goes I couldn't last. Those long times on the ship I would never last. I wanted to tell her so bad but I couldn't not now not right before she leaves. So I lied. She asked why I cared and all I had left to say was I don't know. When what I should have said was that nobody gets me like her.****

**Couldn't keep hold of you then  
>How could I know what you meant<br>There was nothing to compare to **

I couldn't get her to stay, I couldn't keep her here. I really didn't know what she meant though when she said she was going back to Mossad, what ending the liaison meant. I heard her say it, but what that meant, I had no idea it meant something more, the few words served a higher purpose in the dictionary. I didn't know what to feel though I had nothing to compare it to, no-one I had loved so much and had impacted my life had done exactly what she did and then just left. And after all I had been through with her, thought she would stay with here forever, with me forever. And then she was gone. Just like that. There was nothing to compare my love to her to.****

**I know everything changes  
>All the cities and faces<br>But I know how I feel about you**

After everywhere we had been, and we had been so many places. Me and her had done so much together, and yet after how long it took our relationship from not trusted enemy to coworker and friend it managed to end SO fast. But after all the places we had been places that not many people get to go. And the beautiful places, none of it compared to her. If I could go back to those place on a tourist visa and just visit all the pretty sights it wouldn't be the same. First she wouldn't be there so no matter all the things that I would get to see that I would never have been able to see on the job none of it would compare to her beauty. And she wouldn't be there, so it would be beyond bad, the way she changed everything, in a good way, made me see the world differently. She lit up a room with a sparkle every time she smiled, and when she walked into a room every single head would turn.****

**There's a mountain between us  
>But there's one thing I'm sure of<br>That I know how I feel about you**

Though we were partners and we essentially HAD to trust each other that doesn't mean we always got along. Sometimes things happened and we weren't exactly happy with each other but we still always had each other's back. And even when bad times hit rock bottom we were together, but sometimes we had this wall between us. As big as a mountain, and we couldn't go around out because it stretched on forever. Way too tall to climb, all we could do was make sure made the 'mountain' disappeared. Even after all those times where she created the mountain or she created one just to push me to the other side and shut me out I still felt nothing but good intentions toward her. After all the times she lied to me, doubted me, didn't trust me, didn't talk to me I still knew exactly what I felt towards her. Nothing but love.****

**Can we bring yesterday back around  
>'Cause I know how I feel about you now?<br>I was dumb, I was wrong, I let you down  
>But I know how I feel about you now<strong>

And right now after all that I should have done just to get her to stay, and all I should have told her, about the way I really feel about her for one I would really just appreciate to get that one day over again. To bring that day back, because even though I had seen her the day before I hadn't told her. I hadn't told her how much she really means to me. I was SO stupid for not telling her, but I was stupid, and I was wrong with my brain thinking not to tell her. After all my brain said though my heart still wanted to say yes to everything, to telling her, to begging her to stay, everything. But even though I didn't tell her then I would still tell her now I would tell her anytime, just to have it out in the universe.****

**All that it takes is one more chance  
>Don't let our last kiss be our last<br>Give me tonight and I'll show you**

All I would need to tell her is just one more chance, just one more shot at doing what I already should have done. I don't want the last meaningless no strings- attached kiss to be our last, and I don't want our next one to be like that. I just think I'll go to her house and show her, I just need this one night to show her this one night before she leaves. And I can do it, I can tell her, and I will.****

**I know everything changes  
>I don't care where it takes us<br>'Cause I know how I feel about you**

I know after all this time that we couldn't stay in the paradise that cocooned us, something had to change, possibly something bad had to happen, and whad'ya know, it did. But this one thing that I need to tell her. More than anything else, more important than anything else, more important than life and death. I have to tell her, because I know how I feel about her now.****

**Can we bring yesterday back around  
>'Cause I know how I feel about you know<br>I was dumb, I was wrong, I let you down  
>But I know how I feel about you now<strong>

I just want to bring back yesterday, and more than anything else no matter who is watching just wrap my arms around her in a tight embrace like a cocoon. Because after all this time where I haven't seen it, avoiding it or not I finally know how I really feel about her. I had gotten this lecture many times, and given it to, from and to myself. I was stupid to think that we had all the time in the world, and I was wrong about it too. I thought I have to take a brush-up on Gibbs' rules. Rule #8- Never take anything for granted. Yet if I had all the time in the world I guess I should have seen this coming too. Somehow I feel like I haven't been giving her what she deserves, and somehow I let her down by not telling her. I don't see why I should think this though. I don't know someone not letting her know that at least one person in the world loves her. But I want to tell her the one thing I can't stop thinking about. I know how I feel about you know.****

**Not a day passed me by  
>Not a day passed me by<br>When I don't think about you  
>And there's no moving on<br>'Cause I know you're the one  
>And I can't be without you<strong>

There was not a day that passed me by where Ziva has been gone and I have not woken up, realized she wasn't here and then wanted to go off myself. If I could I would tell her to, that there hasn't been one day where I haven't thought about her. Her eyes, her nose, her hair, her lips. And the way people tell me to move on, the way even though they're not saying it out loud their eyes are saying one thing. "Move On". Well I can't there is no way for me to move on when I can't stop thinking about her. I know she's the one too. She is the perfect one I don't know how she feels about me. But know how I feel about her now. I can't handle this though. Without her, I can't quite function properly without her. I can't be without her.****

**Can we bring yesterday back around  
>'Cause I know how I feel about you now<br>I was dumb, I was wrong, I let you down  
>But I know how I feel about you know<strong>

I will somehow get to her, I don't care for how long she's been gone, or how hard it is to find her, I will somehow tell her how I feel. This time I won't be stupid and let my chance slip, I will act on it. I won't let her down, not this time I don't care how long it takes me to find her, or what the consequences are. It's all worth it. Whatever I do, even if I get killed as long as she's safe. As long as she's okay, and happy won't matter about me.****

**Can we bring yesterday back around  
>'Cause I know how I feel about you know<br>I was dumb, I was wrong, I let you down  
>But I know how I feel about you now<strong>

And now here I am, driving through the desert with McGee, hoping to find her anywhere, hopefully. And I have no idea what to say to her when I do find her, because I will find her. But after all this time of thinking of saying it to her, I have no idea what exactly to say to her. Well, to tell her I love her. But how? Probably not in front of McTattle Pants, he would tell Gibbs the moment I saw him. I would tell her though, but when I first saw her I needed something to reassure her that I loved her without telling her. I don't care, I'll make up something that fits with the moment. I think I knew along the lines of what I was going to say, though.****

**But I know how I feel about you now  
>Yeah, I know how I feel about you now<strong>

"Couldn't live without you I guess!"


End file.
